Painful Drabbles
by Raiden Amour
Summary: Short drabbles about pain, and the many forms it comes in. Death, Self-harm/injury, abuse, alcohol, drugs, depression, and more to come.
1. 1 Addiction

His father slammed the front door, finally returning from his every-night late-night drinking. Downstairs the teen could hear the man throwing things around and tripping over his own booted feet. He turned his head, looking down at the bed he sat on, he was safe in his room but his walls couldn't protect him from the pain and uneasiness he felt. Eyes shifted to his wrists as he heard his father curse the world, they both felt the same pain. The emptiness that came when they lost her was more than either of them could bare. She was taken from their family, much too early. The scars that lined his wrists shined behind his fresh cuts. His father's addiction started the same time his did. It was the only way not to go insane from the pain.

 ** _I might make this a collection off small, short, maybe longer, stories/blurbs. but as of right yet, this is just a starter to let you guys know that I AM NOT DEAD! although, with the year I've had, I'm surprised haha._**

 ** _July 1st, 2015._**


	2. 2 Where Are You?

"I'll only be gone for a week mom, please," the woman begged, "Can they just stay with you?"

"I've told you before," her eyes were kind and soft, even though she wasn't tell her daughter what she wanted to hear, "I don't have the energy anymore to keep up with kids."

"Mom, it's fine; Cloud is 16 he mostly hangs out with his friends, and Roxas is 10, all he wants to do is sit in his room all day." She took her mother's hands, "Please mom, I need this…" when her mother seemed unconvinced, she continued to beg, "Mom," she was pulling out the water works, "I'm so tired, I haven't had a single ounce of help since their father died, I've been pushing on these last few years, and… I just need a short break…"

Her daughter knew all the right buttons to push, the mother tipped her head back, letting out a sigh, "You know, I've done my fair share of raising children all by myself," there was no point starting the sentence like that when her daughter already knew what she was going to say, "I guess- one week though, and one week only!" She knew her daughter.

"Yes mother," she turned around, shouting to the car, "Come on," she waved her hand, "They've been so excited to spend some time with their grandma Elena," and Elena was fearing every moment of it.

Elena had built a nice home for herself, raising her only child in a small apartment for 20 years, busting her butt to be able to afford a place of her own one day. Her white, single story, 2 bedroom house was perfect for her, but as she looked at the two young blonds, she could already feel the house becoming too crowded.

"Okay, be good for grandma," she looked at the two young boys. Her face was a bright smile, while the two boys seemed less enthused.

"Why can't I just stay with Zack?" the older boy asked, confusion on his face. He'd grown up with the kid and they were closer than him and his actual brother were, but the moment he brought it up to his mother, she shot him down.

"Because, and it's not going to kill you to spend some time with your family every once and a while Cloud."

Elena looked over the two young boys standing on her porch, they seemed less than excited to have to spend time with their grandma's, but it was only for a week.

"Alright, I love you both, I'll see you next Saturday," she waved to them as she quickly walked to her car, waving over her shoulder again as she drove off.

The three blonds stood on the porch in silence.

"Does this mean Cloud and I have to share a room?" Roxas broke the silence, clutching on to his back pack that probably weighed more than he did.

They'd spent a few nights here and there with their grandmother, but not since they were younger, much younger. Cloud and Elena were the only two that actually remember the times, but Roxas had heard enough about them.

"No," Cloud said rudely, "One of us gets the bedroom, the other gets the couch."

Elena looked at Cloud, "It's up to you two to decide then, I'm not getting in the middle of it."

While Elena took to cooking dinner, one of the largest meals she'd had to prepare in a very long time, the boys went off to do their own thing. Cloud gave Roxas the bedroom, since Cloud didn't plan on staying there for too many hours of the day.

It was summer, and hot, and just like any typical 16 year old, Cloud would much rather spend his times with his friends, and with strangers that would become friends, or enemies.

"Where'd your brother go?" Elena asked as she and Roxas took a seat at the dining room table.

Roxas shrugged, Cloud never really included him in much of anything, but that was just a typical brotherly bond.

"Well," she looked at the table she had set for Cloud, maybe it would be an easy week on her old heart then.

The week quickly passed, Roxas spent most of his time in his room, listening to music and reading. Elena wished her own daughter had been more like Roxas and less like Cloud. Every weekend was a guessing game of where her daughter went, and every morning was praying that her daughter was still alive. With her old age came the acceptance that kids will do what they wish, so she wasted no fear for Cloud. Every morning he was back to brush his teeth and eat breakfast, and every afternoon he'd vanish out the door.

"Do you know when mom is going to be back?" The small teen asked quietly.

It was never much for her daughter to be anything less than punctual, not after the death of her husband, but Elena had heard no word from her daughter since the day she left.

"Hello?" Elena tried to get ahold of her daughter, but what she thought was her daughter answering, in turn, turned out to be her voice machine.

"I'm a little busy at the moment, but leave me a message and I'll get back to you when I can." A smile could be heard, but Elena was not smiling.

"It's 6 in the afternoon dear, where are you? I have plans for tomorrow…" she took a deep breath, "If you can't make it back tonight, just please let me know…?" She set the phone on the hook and sighed again.

"She didn't answer?" his voice was so quiet, Elena didn't think she could ever get used to that. At least with Cloud, he talked out of his chest; he had a soft and smooth voice just like Roxas, but the older boy talked with more 'umph'.

"We'll see if she calls back."

But, what turned into hours waiting turned into days.

"Dear, will you please answer me, the kids are worried sick about you, I'm worried sick about you."

And another couple of days passed before Elena's phone finally rang.

"Hey Mom!"

Elena breathed heavily, a lecture beginning to spill from her mouth.

"I know, I know, I know Mom. Well, listen," her daugher was giggling, "So, I met this guy-"

"When are you going to be back for Roxas and Cloud?"

Her daughter became very quiet. "Geez Mom. You act like they're the worst kids in the world. It's not going to kill you to spend time with them once in their lifetime."

She was shocked to say the least, but her daughter didn't stop talking.

"Maybe you can learn to show some affection with them, since you know you could never show me any." And then the phone disconnected.

Elena stood dumbfounded. Her daughter had never once spoken to her like that, but anger was filling her and she knew better than to spark an argument.

"So when's Mom coming back?"

All Elena could do was shake her head. She had no clue.

"School starts soon-" Elena was cut off.

"I know Mom! Don't worry about it, I'll send some money for school clothes, okay? Just get off my back."

Again, Elena was shocked by her daughter's demeanor.

And the shock continued when her daughter called later that night also.

"Is Cloud there?" when her mother told her no she asked for Roxas instead. "How are you? Are you having fun at your grandma's?"

"It's not bad…" Roxas said softly, looking at his grandmother, "It's not home either though…"

"Go to the house then silly, you both have keys. I love you so much Roxas," and on and on she went, explaining her love for Roxas and his brother, laughing to herself as she said the most lovey dovey things she could.

"When are you coming back?" He finally asked, it'd been a month already and this was the first time he was actually able to talk to her.

"Oh sweety, I don't know, I love you," and she completely ignored his question.

"Mom," he cut her off, "When are you coming home?"

"Oh my god! You sound just like my mother. Roxas, get off my back, I'm a grown woman, I'll come back when I feel like it!" She hung up.

"What's wrong with her?" He slowly looked up at his grandmother, his mother had changed so much and all they had as proof was her rage and her random phone calls.

They stopped receiving phone calls after that, their mother dropped off the face of the earth.

Then, the week before school started, they received a letter with no return address.

"Is it from Mom?"

"How am I supposed to know," Cloud shot over to his little brother, they opened it together, it might have been for their grandmother, but the thought that it was from their mother fueled a stronger urge than the anger from their grandmother.

"Wow…"

"Yeah…" Cloud pulled it out, "Wow…"

Enclosed in the untitled envelope was a money order, signed out to their grandmother from their mother. For a grand total of 2,000 dollars… $1,000 for each of them.

"That means she's doing good, right?" Roxas just wanted someone to tell him that his mother was fine, that she hadn't been kidnapped or hurt while she was away. But no one was telling him that.

And they were right. When their grandmother returned, she was furious, she wished they had never opened it by themselves and that they would've instead left it up to her. Needless to say she cashed the money order and put half of it away, splitting the other half between the two boys.

"But we should be getting a grand each!" Cloud didn't understand the five hundred dollars he held in his hand.

"Well, until I know when your mother is coming back, if she'll be sending more money, the rest will be saved until you two absolutely need it."

They couldn't argue with that.

Weeks passed.

"Hey Cloud…" Roxas walked up beside his brother who was now doing the dinner dishes.

"Yeah?"

"Do you think Mom will come back?"

"Roxas," he sighed, "Probably, there's a hundred things she could be doing wherever she is right now though…" Cloud was starting to feel uneasy about the conversation, but he wasn't going to let Roxas see that. He wanted to stay strong for his Grandmother and Roxas, at least until he too could run away from it all.

"Hey look…" Roxas pointed down at the trash can that sat beside the dinner table, right by his grandmother's chair. "Do you think Grandma knows something we don't?"

"Rox…" The older blond sighed as he tipped his head back, "What Grandma tells us and doesn't tell us is up to her."

"Do…" he looked at his older brother, his only father figure he'd ever known, "Do you know something else?"

"Dammit Roxas!" he slammed his hands on the edge of the sink, "No! Just mind your own damn business!"

Roxas swallowed hard, it was rare for his brother to yell at him, in fact he didn't remember a time his brother actually snapped at him. His gaze dropped as his heart raced, begging him to run away, but not wanting to affect his brother with his movements. Slowly he nodded his head, walking to his small room, shutting the door behind him and putting his headphones in. He would never tell his brother, or his grandmother, but he cried into his pillow.

He hated it there, but it wasn't his grandmother's fault. All the preteen wanted was to be in HIS room, covered with his blankets at night, seeing the stars when he looked out the window instead of streetlights. The old noises he'd heard that scared him at night were now far away, and instead all he could hear at night was cars passing by. It didn't smell like his room, it didn't smell like his mother; that was all he wanted though, to hug his mother and be somewhere familiar again. But it was all unknown, and there was something just not right about the way his grandmother and brother were acting, they knew something and they weren't telling him.

Fate was on the youngsters side; the next day his grandmother had to go shopping, and his brother went over to his friend's house. He waited till they had all left, locking the door behind his brother, he ran into the kitchen, he'd never looked in the trash before, but he knew they were hiding something and he wanted to know. Dumping the envelopes on the floor as he rushed, afraid someone would come back early.

They were envelopes addressed to him and Cloud, but there were no notes inside, he left the mess on the floor as he ran to the living room, ripping the cushions off the couch where his brother slept, he found nothing, but he continued to look. Running to his grandmother's room he stopped right outside her door.

Her door was always closed, and Roxas was told he was never allowed in there, but he'd seen Cloud walking out of there more than once. Taking a deep breath, he pushed the door open and rushed in, using all the nerves he had. Looking around, he noticed how clean it was. A big bed in the middle with a patched quilt covering it, a bureau to the far side, an open closet, and a stationary exercise bike in the corner, it was dark with windows covered, but he could see well enough to continue searching.

Nothing was in her closet but shoes and clothes, he looked under the bed, but found nothing, he looked under the mattress and even there was empty of what he was searching for. They wouldn't have thrown anything away from his mother, not with how scarce her letters were, and when he opened the bureau all he found was nicknacks and an album.

Picking the album up he tried to move it out of his way, but he unintentionally dumped it out instead. He gasped, afraid he'd broken it, but what he found erased all fear. Sitting on the floor next to everything that'd fallen out, he was in shock.

There was a photo, it was of his mother, it was recent like it had been taken yesterday, but she didn't look right. She looked as though she had lost 30 lbs, her eyes were sunken in and her teeth were yellow, but she looked happy. Next to her stood a stranger.

Roxas flipped the photo over, no longer afraid to touch it, but the back was blank. Moving it to the side he continued to look through the scattered papers, grabbing a folded piece randomly and reading it.

His mouth dropped, "What?" he said to himself, tears forming in his eyes, he skimmed the words.

"You can have them," "I'm actually happy for once," "They're old enough," "I'll send the custody papers." He threw the note down, he scattered the papers, finding another one and reading it just as quickly.

"I'll be back," "I'm having fun," "They'll be fine."

Every letter was different though, he read them as quickly as he could and his end result disappointed him.

She didn't plan on coming back… she wanted his grandmother to send her his and Cloud's graduation photos- he still had six years of school left!

"Roxas!"

The teen's eyes shot up, wider than anything, jumping five feet at the sound of his brother's voice.

"What're you doing?" Cloud looked like he was either going to cry or scream at his brother.

Roxas climbed to his feet, tears in his eyes, "You said you didn't know anything! You lied!" tears fell from his eyes as he ran to his bedroom, slipping between his brother and the doorway and narrowly making it away. He pushed the chair under his door handle, locking his brother out.

His brother banged on his door, but Roxas soon blocked it out with his headphones, crying louder than he'd ever remembered.

The notes told him enough, his mother wasn't planning on ever coming back and they weren't going to tell him that. He hugged his pillow tight, his ten year old heart breaking in half.

It took a while for the young boy to mutter a word to his grandmother or Cloud, and it took almost just as long to get the teen out of the bedroom. Actually resorting in his grandmother having Cloud break the door down because she was so afraid Roxas would starve himself.

"Roxas," Cloud had come into the room late one night, it had been weeks since the boy had spoken and it was hurting, and painful to watch. "Roxas, please…"

"You lied," Roxas was curled on his side, facing away from Cloud, his face barely visible from the light in the hallway.

"I'm sorry," he begged, "We… I didn't…" he was stuttering over his words in the quiet voice he'd always had.

Roxas curled up tighter, tears beginning to form again. "Why does everyone lie?" And that was it, the tears broke through and Roxas couldn't stop them.

The pain that filled the room was inescapable, Cloud was licking his own lips and looking around the room in hopes of holding off the tears fueled by his brother's soft cries of pain. "I'm sorry Roxas," he leaned down and held his brother.

Roxas' had been lied to since the moment he was born, told his father was in the military but might come back, to finding out at five that his father had actually died before he was born. Their mother always said she couldn't spend time with him because she was over loaded with work, when really Cloud would watch her drink and drink and drink until she fell asleep. People painted the perfect picture of their mother, but Roxas was finally starting to see the lies he was raised on.

Then everything changed. Roxas tucked his pain away, resuming the happy pre teen his grandmother had believed him to be, Cloud came home early instead of partying late, and his grandmother made sure they had family night every night. No one talked about the pain that had walked into their lives whens she walked out with no forwarding address, and no one brought up the money that randomly showed up on their doorstep. The house they'd grown up in was emptied and sold and his small bedroom now became over crowded with things he'd forgot he owned.

It was easy to forget the money though, because soon she stopped sending it. Soon she stopped calling, and soon she had completely fallen out of their lives. She was mentioned no longer.

Cloud continued to sleep on the couch, the corner of the living room becoming his bedroom, and even though he'd graduated, barely, he worked a shitty job that barely paid enough for him and Roxas.

Roxas was 15 and in 9th grade, three years shy of graduation, with new friends, a new attitude, and a new style. He acted like a quiet rebellious punk, too afraid of disappointing his grandmother to actually act out, but too angry at the world to answer a simple yes or no question aloud.

Their grandmother was becoming old, no longer able to keep up with the garden out front, but still stubborn enough to break her bones trying.

All of Roxas' checkered skinny jeans had one thing in common, grass stains on the knees. If he didn't take care of the garden, his grandmother would, and Roxas bit off as much as he could, trying to seem stronger than he felt, but that didn't last for long.

Roxas had come home from school one day to find his brother sitting outside on the porch, his head in his hands, and a cigarette in his fingers. "What's wrong?" the 15 year old asked in his monotone causal voice, he never really put much emotion in his voice since he found out she wasn't coming back.

All Cloud did was take a long drag of his cigarette, "Go talk to Grandma," he said before he exhaled. He passed Cloud on the stairs and did just as he brother said, but once he got inside, his emotions swelled.

Sitting at the kitchen table was his grandmother, she was in tears and even though she was facing Roxas she was too busy staring at the woman in front of her.

His heart began to race, sitting with her back to him was a blond woman, and the emotions Roxas had held in for so long were let free like a box of butterflies. She was finally back, and how he had missed her. All the hate he had summoned at the very thought of her was no longer, his mother was finally back and all Roxas could think about was how badly he wanted her to hold him in her arms like when he was younger. A smile started to form on his face as he moved from his froze spot and almost began to run to his mother, words slipping from his mouth before his grandmother cut him off.

"Ma-"

"Roxas! Oh honey!" His grandmother was rushing towards him, and as she held him in a tight hug, she spoke in his ear, "I'm so sorry, your mother was killed."

The woman turned around in her police uniform, standing up to watch as his grandmother clung to him as if her life depended on it, but Roxas stood there shocked.

His heart had cracked again and all that was left in his mother's memory was pain.

Tears poured from his frozen body.

Is this how it ends?

 _ **Hope you enjoy this short c:**_

 _ **And no, I haven't forgotten about TIDBD. :o**_

 _ **Uploaded: August 31st, 2015**_


	3. 3 Depression

"I can't do this," he choked on the air.

Sun deprived hands brushed even paler blond hair out of his own face, his eyes made an almost neon blue against the red irritation in his eyes. He sat alone on the cold white linoleum floor, hugging his knees, pressing his back harder and harder into the blank wall.

"What the Hell?" His head tipped back, a small laugh escaped him as another wave of tears rushed down his heated face. Shaking his head back and forth now, "Why am i such a terrible person? What did I do that was so wrong?" Another wave rushed down his cheeks.

Roxas felt a deep pain in his chest and every attempt to ease the pressure only left him changing his position every few seconds, just for the pain to come back.

'What's the point in trying?' he thought to himself, 'It doesn't matter what I do, it's never enough. Nothing i ever do is enough, nothing i ever do will be enough. I try, so fucking hard, why can't I be enough?'

He hugged himself tighter, trying to control his breathing to no avail.

Raking his fingers through his hair, he choked again, his silent cries were no longer silent, and he couldn't bring himself to care.

Thinking only made it worse, but that was all Roxas could do, and he couldn't slow down the racing thoughts that were brutally attacking him.

"I'm done," his words echoed in the small space, but he still repeated it to himself over and over till his thoughts reached out to him again.

'What's the point? There's no point. It doesn't matter what I do, I tried, every fucking day, I tried, so fucking hard, I was always defending everyone, I was also giving people the benefit of the doubt, I was always trying. So what the fuck did I do wrong? I fought so hard to be here, I fought so hard to stay alive because "the future will be great!" why the fuck am I alone then? Where the Hell are my friends, where's my love, where's my 'great future' because I don't see any of it.'

Bitting his lip, Roxas didn't know what he was doing anymore, he didn't even know why he was so upset. One second he was fine, dancing around the house, and the next his was a shriveling ball of tears on the bathroom floor. His 3 am thoughts were hitting him at 1 pm, and the difference in time changed everything.

Rocking back and forth was an automatic motion now, hopelessness was taking over.

'What did I do that was so wrong? Why am I such a terrible person? Why am I now allowed to be loved? What did I do that was so wrong no one wants to love me? I tried so fucking hard, and it was all for nothing, what was the point in me trying?'

"Nobody cares..." his voice cracked, "Why doesn't anyone care?"

Burying his face in his knees as his tears burned his cheeks and his thoughts continued to race, he spoke to himself again.

"I can't do this anymore..."

'Nothing I ever do is good enough, why? I tried so fucking hard, I put so much energy into talking to people, to opening up to them, to trusting them... but it wasn't enough, why? I gave all I had, and it wasn't enough.' Taking s deep breath was a bad idea when the air attacked his lungs and started a coughing fit that only made Roxas' chest pains worse and added to the headache that was forming.

'Why can't Axel just love me? He lies to my face every day, he tells me he loves me everyday, but he doesn't and he knows he doesn't! Why won't he just admit it instead of playing with my head like this?'

The small blond begging in his head, praying to anyone that would listen, for Axel to love him. Roxas is a rational person, but no matter how many ways he worked around the idea in his head, all answers pointed to the idea that Axel had 'settled' for Roxas.

And what was making him think this? The tiny things. Axel wasn't cheating on Roxas, he wasn't even talking to any other human, he went to work and then came straight home and repeated it every day, but that didn't change the tiny things.

Everything that Axel said added up to mean he didn't care about Roxas, at least they did in the small blond's mind.

Axel had explained, over and over again, to the younger man that if he didn't care about him, that he wouldn't continue to sit and fight with him, he wouldn't care if Roxas knew he loved him. But Roxas' mind wasn't that simple.

Anything said to the young man's mind was twisted, and it wasn't Roxas' fault. He couldn't handle his depression anymore, and as he sat crying on the bathroom floor, he began to accept that maybe he himself was getting out of hand.

There was very little logic inside Roxas' mind, but there wasn't anything he could do about it. In truth, all of Roxas' thoughts were based on small truths, and they did make sense, but no matter how hard Roxas begged his mind to just shut up, his mind continued to race. The thoughts were tearing him apart, only because Roxas didn't want to believe anything his own brain was telling him, he wanted so bad to just believe Axel, but his rational mind didn't want him to be an idiot blinded by pretty lies and fake love.

Mistakes happen, the wrong things are said, and the right things are said at the wrong time, and Roxas was too smart for his own good. His mind couldn't just leave 'happiness' well alone, instead the man who sat in the swivel chair with full access to Roxas' control board, was running on crack. Rewinding and fast forwarding, zooming in on every detail from every moment, ever. And Roxas had too good of a memory. He remembered every little detail, the way Axel held his hand years ago when they first started dating, the way he spoke, and the words he said.

The rational side of Roxas wasn't as strong as the hungry side. Depression was a pet Roxas' couldn't seem to get rid of, and it was like the more he starved it, the more it turned every single memory dark. Everything in his memories became tied to a dark story that destroyed Roxas inside. Some days he was fine, other days it was enough to put him in the fetal position on the bathroom floor, gasping for air.

He tried to open up, to let down his walls so the flood wouldn't drown him, but it usually killed Roxas faster.

Axel didn't understand how his words hurt him, and he was so tired of trying to explain it. Any time the blond mentioned that another wave of depression had hit him, that for the previous two weeks he spent a majority of his time sitting on the bathroom floor in tears thinking about how the world would be better off if he was dead. He wasn't suicidal, but he thought of all his close encounters with death and thought about how wonderful it would have been if death got its way.

But Axel didn't understand, Axel would go on rants, long and loud talks about how they were together, how that was supposed to be enough to get rid of his depression. He thought it was his job to 'cure' Roxas, and that all it would take is a few "I love you's and some cuddles at night. When Roxas' tried to explain how that didn't work, Axel would storm off, mumbling under his breath how Roxas should just leave him if he didn't make him happy.

Talking to Axel always made Roxas feel worse, and it was starting to feel like there was no control, he wanted Axel to just fix him, to fix everything that was broken inside him, but Axel only made it worse. The redhead would begin to make him feel better, but he would say one too many words and suddenly Roxas was left worse off than before he opened up.

"I'm so stupid," he shook his head and looked down, "This is Hell..." The young man didn't want to feel like this, he just wanted to be like everyone else, he just wanted to be able to be happy without over analyzing it till all that was left was misery.

'I'm a hazard...' he stood up, looking at himself in the mirror, the blankest stare looked back at him, his eyes now dry but still violently red. And like a flip of a coin, Roxas' mood was altered to the next extreme.

'I love him,' his eyes were locked on his own but he didn't see anything, 'Doesn't matter if he loves me, I love him, I know I'm being an idiot... that's fine.' He wiped the tears on his chin onto his shirt, and walked out of the bathroom, without a single care.

And just like that, his emotional outburst never happened.

It didn't happen the next day either, or at all the following week, every time he reached a certain point in his breakdown, he stood up and walked out of that bathroom. Axel was't there to witness the extremes that walked out of the bathroom, from the stupidly happy to the completely devastated, by the time he came home, there was just a mellowed out version sitting on the couch, with no evidence of the waterfall of tears he had cried or the words he begged.

So none of it ever happened, and Roxas would try to keep it that way. Till he began to feel 'happy' again, then he would take a step forward with confidence and open up to Axel, only to shut down again when the man reacted the same away he always did, the same way Roxas knew he would.

Roxas life was on a cycle through Hell that he couldn't escape from...

 ** _Literally just a random thing that probably makes no sense... won't get into too much detail. Just wanted to remind you all that I'm not dead, most days._**

 ** _I will continue TIDBD and CB but first things first, I need to reread everything because I have no idea where I left off with anything... and just damn. My life's a mess._**

 ** _Uploaded: January 14th, 2017_**


	4. 4 Midnight Train

Sundays are the worst. Wait, is it even Sunday? I reached into my pants pocket.

"Roxas, what're you trying to find?" Seifer asked me, he was lounged out on the couch across from me, while I managed to snag the only recliner in the run down trailer.

"My phone, I thought I had it..." all my pockets were empty though, save for two green lighters and some pocket lint.

"You did," he laughed, "About," he looked at his watch, securely strapped to his wrist, I needed to invest in one of those, "Seven hours ago, you don't remember?" When I shook my head no, he laughed harder and spoke, "Guess you were fucked up. We were at the train tracks when the midnight train went through, I threw my empty bottle of Vodka, and you chucked your phone. Smashed it to bits."

Again, I needed to invest in a watch that my drunken self couldn't get rid of.

"What day is it?" It was just a phone, and not a damn thing important on it.

He spent about another minute laughing before he answered me, "It's Thursday, why, you got a hot date?"

"Why would you say that?"

"You were fucked up last night, but still had it in you to turn me down and to sit way across the room from me."

"I've told you, you're not my type." I stood up, stretching, my body felt like I was in that chair for a week straight.

"How not? I've got a dick." His smirk was gone, he stared at me hard instead.

"Yeah, I only need one dick, not a dick and a dick personality combined." I turned towards the door, "Wait... where are we?"

He looked around just like me, "No clue, someone's house?"

"And I'm leaving," There was no point in waiting for Seifer, he'd find me later whether I wanted him to or not. The more steps I took through our run down city, the more I wanted to turn back and find him on my own. Seifer kept me from thinking about... well... everything now, and if his presence alone didn't work, which it never did, the alcohol he'd supply really did the trick.

I hurt, all the way from my head down to my chest, to my shredded heart. Axel was the only one who could ever make anything better, he couldn't fix all my problems but he could help the healing begin at least. But he didn't want anything to do with me, and he wanted to 'cut me off', so he can't blame me for burning the bridge between us.

Like it's my fault that he lead me on, that he made me open up to him, to depend on him, but after almost a year of dating decided to cut me off, because he didn't want his parents to find out he was gay. That's not my problem! Maybe he should've been open with them to begin with, I was always honest with my mother, all the way until...

The rock shattered the window, I meant to throw it, but not at someone's house, but I also couldn't bring myself to care.

"Fuck you!" I screamed, was I still drunk?

Hells what you make of it, right? I picked up another rock and threw it through another window, the house was abandoned so who cared.

"Scream out the pain if it helps," my mother used to tell me, "Sometimes just crying will help ease the hurt..." It never helped though, but it kept me busy long enough till i forgot why I was screaming profanities.

What made everything worse? Everywhere I went, everyone knew the predicament I was in, I just wanted to run away, and never look back. My only anchor now was Seifer, and that was only because he was old enough to buy alcohol while I was only 17, I still had at least 4 years till I could.

To make it worse, everyone looked at me with that look that said, "You only get what you deserve," and apparently I was Hitler in a past life. I was always knocked down and kicked, everyone saw me as some sort of nuisance, well I guess I'll just be that little black cloud that rains on everyone's God damned parade. Watch me give a damn, in about a thousand years.

Before I knew it I was at school, why? This was the last place i wanted to walk to, i just wanted to go back to sleep, and instead i was choosing to sit through boring lectures with annoying kids? Definitely something wrong with me.

"Hey Roxas... how are you?" the girl's voice was behind me, but i didn't care to turn around, I plopped down in a seat instead.

"I've said it a thousand fucking times, I'm fine." My head hurt too much to lean down and tie my shoe, instead I kicked my food up onto the desk, at just the wrong time too.

"Roxas, you decided to join us today," the teacher's name completely escaped my mind, "It's only been, what, a month?"

"Your judgments better than mine."

"I believe it, go to Mr. Strife's office." He held out my hall pass, as if i gave a shit about being written up for being in the hall while i was already on my way to the principals. Just to add to the teacher's frustration, I went out the back door.

What was the point of me even coming to school, all i did was waste everyone's time and energy, not too mention start fights. I wasn't going to pass this school year, it was already a month before the end and there was no way they would let me be a senior next year, I might as well just drop out.

The tears tickled my eyes but i'd be damned if i was going to let them fall, crying is not something I did, and there was no point starting now.

I smirked at the principal's face, apparently a student letting themselves into his office and sitting down, without even knocking or checking in with his secretaries, was unusual. "That sounds good," he hung up the phone.

"Roxas..."

"You 'requested' to see me?" I honestly wished he could help me, i wished he could bring my mother back, i wished he could make Axel talk to me again, i just wanted someone to actually help me instead of telling me sorry. He was the only one who had helped me, after my mother died he helped me get the paperwork to become emancipated and he was the one who drove me to court. But there wasn't anything more he could do... he was like a father to me, he was so close to my mother that he even helped me organize her funeral, and he filled the space my actual father opted out of before i was born.

"What's going on?" He folded his hands on his desk.

"Nothing much... just... had to walk by the school to go home... figured why not stop by..." I was hiding my face with my shoulder, attempting to anyways.

"What home? Roxas you were given an eviction notice almost a month ago, it's no longer your home." he put the pink paper in front of me.

"Whatever..." just another thing to add to the list, another thing that completely fucked up my life.

"Whatever? Roxas, what have you been doing? Where have you been sleeping? When was the last time you changed your clothes or showered, or even ate?"

All i could do was shake my head, "I... don't know..." I shrugged.

"Roxas," he was going to chastise me, but i cut him off.

"It doesn't matter, just leave me alone, fuck off!"i screamed, standing up, the tears were about to fall, and he saw that. I couldn't do it anymore, I ran out of his office, and out of the school.

I kept running, Seifer had to be around here somewhere, "Seifer!" I was going to break down, no, I couldn't.

"Seifer!" I kept screaming. I was running out of breath, I was running out of energy. When was the last time I ate? When was the last time I actually slept and didn't just pass out?

"Hey Roxas?" he was walking out of house behind me.

"I need something," i didn't know what I needed. A drink? Food? To break down?

"I don't have anything, sorry Roxas," he shrugged, but I knew he was lying. "Okay, so I do, but you're not giving me 'any' so why should I give you anything?"

I was going to break down, "Give me alcohol first and I'll give you something." His smirk terrified me.

Letting Seifer have his way with me wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, I'm pretty sure that was just because I was dying from alcohol poison, but that was the point. I guess this was it, I lost my virginity to an asshole named Seifer, and that was just the icing on the cake to force me to realize Axel was never coming back.

I never told Axel my mom was sick, and the only reason I went to school that day was for comfort from him, the only person who ever loved me had died in my arms, and Axel? Axel told me he couldn't see me anymore because he didn't want anyone to find out, and that he'd be moving in a few weeks. The only two people I cared about, and that cared about me, were both just taken away. And there was nothing I could do to get them back.

Turning my head I looked at Seifer, it was dark now, but the look on his face told me that he didn't care about me, not even a little bit, he just wanted to have sex. Sitting up made the room spin, but i wanted to know what time it was.

It was 11:48, almost midnight. I stood up and began walking, still clutching the empty bottle for absolutely no reason.

Axel found out later that day that my mom had died, he tried to text me, but i didn't want to give him anything more to worry about, so i dropped my phone in the toilet. It had been eight months since I'd seen him, and eight months since my mother died, and no matter what i did, the pain didn't get any easier.

The pain wasn't going anywhere, all the color had faded out of the world, and all the hope was gone. Dropping the glass bottle finally, it smashed to pieces as it hit the iron train tracks, i took a seat, surprised at how wide the train tracks were, I always remembered them being smaller, but they were almost twice my shoulder width now. Had i wasted away that much.

I heard the horn, and opened my eyes i hadn't realized I'd closed. Did you know the headlights are brighter than anything? I closed my eyes again, the sound of the conductor attempting to hit the breaks and the sound of his horn overwhelmed my ears.

It was too late though, there was no stopping, and there was no one to save me.

I took the midnight train to nowhere.

 _ **Uploaded: January 20th, 2017**_


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